Because Steve Harvey was able to write a best-selling book that is being turned into a movie, there’s no reason I can’t give my two cents on how to make a relationship work successfully.
Are people really no good? For the most part, no. You can’t fairly quantify an entire population in one bucket. We definitely are all unique, however, and therein lies the problem…and the baseline for the solution. I’ll explain:
By ways of my own doing and those of my friends, I’ve been exposed to a wide variety of personalities over the years. It’s been interesting, especially in terms of relationships. I feel like I’ve seen a little bit of everything...not much shocks me at this point. I will admit, however, that these experiences did initially somewhat sour my outlook on relationships. It seemed like there were a lot of people out there that were no good. Over time, however, I realized that it’s never quite that cut and dry. Because we’re all in different phases of our respective lives, it only makes sense that all relationships won’t work, nor should they; that’s just part of life. Some people are only looking for a good time, while others are looking to settle down ASAP. It’s simple trial and error. You experience different things to figure out what really works for you. Once you’re able to find enough commonalities among your differences with another person, you’re golden.
Of course that’s much easier said than done. For that reason, I’m here to provide JIP’s Guide to Success in Relationships.
1. You have to be able to be happy being by yourself first.
I can’t emphasize this one enough: you can’t be completely happy with someone else if you’re not comfortable being by yourself. I don’t think it’s possible, but it’s not safe either. What if things head south in the relationship? Then you’re worse off than when you started, leaving yourself questioning what went wrong.
A lot of people get into relationships just because they don’t want to be alone. Not only is that ridiculous, it’s really not fair to the other person, and karma can be a monster.
So let’s think about this: what’s the longest amount of time that you’ve been single since you were 18? There’s not necessarily a right answer here, but in between your relationships over the years there should be time where you had a chance to learn and grow as an individual. It’s one thing to give someone a chance, but it’s a completely different thing to force something that’s not there just for the sake of partnership.
2. Communicate Effectively
I’m putting this at number two because, along with my first point, you should be able to do this well prior to even considering getting into a relationship. Say you’ve been dating this girl/guy for a couple weeks now; undoubtedly the question of “where this is going” is going to rear its head. The importance of the answer to this question is often greatly underestimated. You should always answer honestly. Why? Because if you want a relationship to truly succeed, your intentions have to be clear. If you don’t know where it’s going, say that. If you do know, say that. Don’t try to give an extremely vague, convoluted answer. I’ve been down that road personally…there’s nothing good down there. Don’t just say what you think the other person wants to hear. If things eventually do end down the line, it only makes it worse if the other person realizes that you weren’t being honest the entire time. It’s always best to eliminate that gray area. That way each party knows where the other stands, and that’s one less headache to deal with.
Even outside of this initial discussion, honest communication is key throughout a relationship. If you bottle up how you’re feeling, those feelings are probably going to come out in a less than positive way at some point, and nobody wants that. If your feelings change over the course of the relationship, make sure to communicate that. Another road I’ve been down personally…it might not be the easiest thing in the world, but I guarantee you’ll be glad you did it afterwards. It’s all a learning experience.
3. Look for the warning signs.
This should probably be number 2b instead of 3. You simply have to pay attention to the things that someone says and does early on. It’s so easy to get caught up in the bliss of a new relationship and miss things that will probably lead to issues down the line. For example, If the person does something that exhibits their neediness early on and you’re one of the world’s most detached individuals, that’s not “cute”. It might be the first time, but as the relationship keeps chugging along, I guarantee that “cute” won’t be the word used anymore.
And warning signs don’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with the other person; they’re simply indicators that the person may not be the right one for you. You can’t bank on someone changing something that is at the core of their personality, nor should you want them to. Using my earlier example, if you’re just looking for something laid back, you probably shouldn’t be with someone who’s looking to settle down ASAP. That’s fine for that person…it just doesn’t work for you. It’s all about figuring out what works best.
4. Eliminate the power struggle.
Alright, you’ve gotten through the first 3 points for the time being, now you’re in this magical relationship. Excellent. You want to know how to take that magic away? Create a power struggle. That magic is now a thing of the past. A power struggle is basically both parties in a relationship doing things to show that they are the one that is in control of the relationship. To be completely honest, this is one of the more ridiculous aspects that I see in many relationships. What’s the point? I’ll give you your college or young relationships for that, but if you’re trying to cultivate a mature relationship, does this really make sense? I’m inclined to say no. Point no. 2 eliminates the need for this. Much of the gray area has been eliminated already; you’re both on the same page, so there’s really no need for a power struggle to even exist. If you’re thinking about flexing your power in the relationship, don’t. Simple.
5. Know when to call it quits.
It’s a cold world out there and there’s not always a blanket to keep us warm. Yes, that was overly dramatic, but you get my point. You gave all of the 4 previous steps a try and you realize that it just won’t work with the person you’re dating. That’s perfectly fine. That’s how it goes sometimes. So…call the whole thing off. What you shouldn’t do is drag it out. In my personal opinion, one of the worst things you can do is stay in something that you know isn’t going to work while you still have a chance to end it.
According to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, 41% of first marriages in America end in divorce. If you know things aren’t going to work out long-term, save your time (and your money).
Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen; a full-proof guide to relationship success. The most important thing to remember on your journey: things always work out the way they’re supposed to in the end…you can’t convince me otherwise. Enjoy the ride.
Take that, Steve Harvey.
