JIP’s Guide to Success in Relationships

Because Steve Harvey was able to write a best-selling book that is being turned into a movie, there’s no reason I can’t give my two cents on how to make a relationship work successfully.

Are people really no good? For the most part, no. You can’t fairly quantify an entire population in one bucket. We definitely are all unique, however, and therein lies the problem…and the baseline for the solution. I’ll explain:

By ways of my own doing and those of my friends, I’ve been exposed to a wide variety of personalities over the years. It’s been interesting, especially in terms of relationships. I feel like I’ve seen a little bit of everything...not much shocks me at this point. I will admit, however, that these experiences did initially somewhat sour my outlook on relationships. It seemed like there were a lot of people out there that were no good. Over time, however, I realized that it’s never quite that cut and dry. Because we’re all in different phases of our respective lives, it only makes sense that all relationships won’t work, nor should they; that’s just part of life. Some people are only looking for a good time, while others are looking to settle down ASAP. It’s simple trial and error. You experience different things to figure out what really works for you. Once you’re able to find enough commonalities among your differences with another person, you’re golden.

Of course that’s much easier said than done. For that reason, I’m here to provide JIP’s Guide to Success in Relationships.


1. You have to be able to be happy being by yourself first.

I can’t emphasize this one enough: you can’t be completely happy with someone else if you’re not comfortable being by yourself. I don’t think it’s possible, but it’s not safe either. What if things head south in the relationship? Then you’re worse off than when you started, leaving yourself questioning what went wrong.

A lot of people get into relationships just because they don’t want to be alone. Not only is that ridiculous, it’s really not fair to the other person, and karma can be a monster.

So let’s think about this: what’s the longest amount of time that you’ve been single since you were 18? There’s not necessarily a right answer here, but in between your relationships over the years there should be time where you had a chance to learn and grow as an individual. It’s one thing to give someone a chance, but it’s a completely different thing to force something that’s not there just for the sake of partnership.

2. Communicate Effectively

I’m putting this at number two because, along with my first point, you should be able to do this well prior to even considering getting into a relationship. Say you’ve been dating this girl/guy for a couple weeks now; undoubtedly the question of “where this is going” is going to rear its head. The importance of the answer to this question is often greatly underestimated. You should always answer honestly. Why? Because if you want a relationship to truly succeed, your intentions have to be clear. If you don’t know where it’s going, say that. If you do know, say that. Don’t try to give an extremely vague, convoluted answer. I’ve been down that road personally…there’s nothing good down there. Don’t just say what you think the other person wants to hear. If things eventually do end down the line, it only makes it worse if the other person realizes that you weren’t being honest the entire time. It’s always best to eliminate that gray area. That way each party knows where the other stands, and that’s one less headache to deal with.

Even outside of this initial discussion, honest communication is key throughout a relationship. If you bottle up how you’re feeling, those feelings are probably going to come out in a less than positive way at some point, and nobody wants that. If your feelings change over the course of the relationship, make sure to communicate that. Another road I’ve been down personally…it might not be the easiest thing in the world, but I guarantee you’ll be glad you did it afterwards. It’s all a learning experience.

3. Look for the warning signs.

This should probably be number 2b instead of 3. You simply have to pay attention to the things that someone says and does early on. It’s so easy to get caught up in the bliss of a new relationship and miss things that will probably lead to issues down the line. For example, If the person does something that exhibits their neediness early on and you’re one of the world’s most detached individuals, that’s not “cute”. It might be the first time, but as the relationship keeps chugging along, I guarantee that “cute” won’t be the word used anymore.

And warning signs don’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with the other person; they’re simply indicators that the person may not be the right one for you. You can’t bank on someone changing something that is at the core of their personality, nor should you want them to. Using my earlier example, if you’re just looking for something laid back, you probably shouldn’t be with someone who’s looking to settle down ASAP. That’s fine for that person…it just doesn’t work for you. It’s all about figuring out what works best.

4. Eliminate the power struggle.

Alright, you’ve gotten through the first 3 points for the time being, now you’re in this magical relationship. Excellent. You want to know how to take that magic away? Create a power struggle. That magic is now a thing of the past. A power struggle is basically both parties in a relationship doing things to show that they are the one that is in control of the relationship. To be completely honest, this is one of the more ridiculous aspects that I see in many relationships. What’s the point? I’ll give you your college or young relationships for that, but if you’re trying to cultivate a mature relationship, does this really make sense? I’m inclined to say no. Point no. 2 eliminates the need for this. Much of the gray area has been eliminated already; you’re both on the same page, so there’s really no need for a power struggle to even exist. If you’re thinking about flexing your power in the relationship, don’t. Simple.

5. Know when to call it quits.

It’s a cold world out there and there’s not always a blanket to keep us warm. Yes, that was overly dramatic, but you get my point. You gave all of the 4 previous steps a try and you realize that it just won’t work with the person you’re dating. That’s perfectly fine. That’s how it goes sometimes. So…call the whole thing off. What you shouldn’t do is drag it out. In my personal opinion, one of the worst things you can do is stay in something that you know isn’t going to work while you still have a chance to end it.

According to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, 41% of first marriages in America end in divorce. If you know things aren’t going to work out long-term, save your time (and your money).

Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen; a full-proof guide to relationship success. The most important thing to remember on your journey: things always work out the way they’re supposed to in the end…you can’t convince me otherwise. Enjoy the ride.

Take that, Steve Harvey.

Quiet Moments of Humility

Quiet moments of humility
Where dreams of opulence
Meet plebeian ideals
Hanging on a pendulum of moderation
Well guided nouns of grandeur define
Sordid thoughts of the throne
Painting a nihilistic masterpiece on the canvas of degradation--
Not lost is the beauty that remains beyond the shadows...
Enlightenment--
The human condition on full display
Insurrection of the masses
Philosophical solution
Passionate conclusion
Revolution!

-Gary Walton, Jr.

Moment of Clarity: Kurt Vonnegut

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be."- Kurt Vonnegut

Monday Inspiration: Man in the Arena

Yes, I know that it’s technically Tuesday, but who’s against a little Tuesday motivation?

This section is just as much for me personally, if not more so, as it is for anyone else. How many of us start dreading Monday morning more and more as the sun begins to set on Sunday night? The promise of another long work week understandably isn’t the most motivational feeling in the world. This being said, how do we change this? Lord willing, our respective lives will be fairly long and having to work to provide a living for ourselves and our families isn’t going to change. Thus, I propose a change in our mindsets. If we start putting our time and energy into developing the things/ideas that we have been putting on hold, I truly believe that we will begin to look forward to what we will begin to accomplish. My goal with this section is to provide us all with motivation to start our week off with the mindset that we all have work to do to be successful…let’s get it done.

The first piece I will highlight is an excerpt from a 1910 speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt, which is sometimes referred to as “The Man in the Arena”.

The notable passage is below:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man
stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and
again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does
actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great
devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the
end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least
fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and
timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

If that doesn’t inspire you to do better, I don’t know what will.

Have a great and productive week.

Cheers,

JIP

Inspiration : How Bad Do You Want It? (Success)

Album Review: Undun by The Roots (December 2011 release)

After receiving mass appeal throughout 2011 as the house band of the Jimmy Fallon Show, the Roots released the Grammy nominated LP, How I Got Over; a Hip-Hop musical masterpiece. After producing a body of work at the finest level of the art, the group seemed poised to deliver another album that had the potential to push the Roots among the names of Outkast and A Tribe Called Quest.

The Philadelphia-based Hip-Hop Jazz group has made a name for themselves by being one of the few “bands” in Hip-Hop history and easily the only Hip-Hop band obtaining any worldwide success and distribution. The sounds of true instruments and real vocalist on original choruses (instead of sampled records) have become the hallmark of the group’s success and uniqueness. The lead emcee, Black Thought, seems to improve with age, becoming easily one of the most underrated emcees of all-time. With so many positive features, it’s difficult for the album titled, Undun to miss the mark for musical ingenuity.

The intro begins and ends without a clear motive, but slides into the first song rather smoothly. The album begins with the song Sleepwhere just the mere sound of Black Thought over a ?uestlove produced track picks up your day. However, the drums don’t come in until the song titled Make Mywhere Black Thought Explains:

Whatever, see it’s really just a matter of semantics

When everybody’s fresh out of collateral to damage

And, my plan got me praying like a mantis

I begin to vanish, feel the pull of a blank canvas

I’m contemplating that a special dedication

To whomever it concerns, my letter of resignation

Fadin’ back the black, my dark coronation

The heat of the day, the long robe in word take

That soul in the atmosphere like air play

If there is heaven I can’t find the stair way

After a very slow start, the album picks up with some soulful, jazzy tunes in Kool On, The Other Side, and Lighthouse where Black Thought draws the disappear comparison of having loss in your life to being out in the ocean:

After the love is lost, friendship dissolve

And even blood is lost

Way that it began, the way we did each other wrong

Troubled water neither one of us could swim across

I stopped holding my breath, now am I better off?

Yeah, without a trace and you in my head in all

The hunted motion of a rebel without a pause

What in do is done, to you in dead in gone

The Grim Reaper telling me to swim deeper

Where the people go to low and behold, the soul keeper

I’m not even breaking out in a sweat, a cold fever

But I’m never paying up on my debt or tolls either

I leave the memories here, I won’t need ‘em

If I stop thinking the lie, now that’s freedom

None of the album’s features were really commendable; not even the fallen Phonte of The Foreign Exchange (and now defunct Little Brother) made a noteworthy appearance. The album ends with a fury of hardcore Hip-Hop jazzy instrumentals that probably weren’t appeasing to none one but the most abstract jazz fans.

You never really capture the “Undun” theme throughout the entire album unless the Roots were telling us they are “dun” themselves. If that’s the case, you would have hoped to have been left with something a lot better.

Album Ratings -

Lyrics: 15 of 20

Production: 17 of 20

Creativity: 14 of 20

Theme: 8 of 20

Consistency: 10 of 20

Rating Scale -

Trash:

Weak: 50-59

***Average: 60-69

Solid: 70-79

Premium: 80-89

Elite: 90-97

Masterpiece: 90-100 (and at least three 20 of 20 rating)

Only the most avid fans of the Roots would enjoy this album fully. Although it had some high points, this is only average work from an above average group.

--Deandre P

Be Legendary

“I sit (back) everyday and ask what can I do to make a difference…”- Kanye West via Twitter

Sadly (or maybe not so sadly), all of our days are numbered…the majority of us have no idea how long we’ll be here, and that’s a lot to take in. The fact that something is out of our hands, that something so big is largely decided by factors out of our control, is a scary prospect.

We have to control the things we can control in life. Our existence is finite, fine; what are we going to do with the time we have? Are we merely going to exist, simply going through the motions of life until our time comes? That’s the prospect that really makes me fearful.

You can’t convince me that people are here to just exist; we are here to make sure we leave this world in a better state than we got here. Everyone’s contributions won’t be the same, granted, but nobody’s contributions can be discounted. It’s not a competition; it’s working to find out how we can fight through the comfort of complacency to be individuals that all make a difference.

We can all be legendary. True legends make the world better. They are remembered for their contributions because they outlive them. Since our days are numbered, let’s make sure our good works are not.

Cheers,

JIP